We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
