Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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