god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
