6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
