Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
