hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
