There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
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