dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
