We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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