Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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