Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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