I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize