I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
