i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
