You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Pants are for mortals
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
