literally had 100 drinks last night.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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