I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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