Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
