Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
