god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
