You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
