Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Everclear isn't food dammit
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
