now i know why i became what i already was.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
