I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
