Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
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