I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
