i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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