I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
