I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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