I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Randomize
