i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
