finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
