I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
