it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
