Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize