ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
