remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
