Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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