he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
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