I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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