Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
