Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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