apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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