I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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