ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
