The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
