I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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