I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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