sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Randomize
