i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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