If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize