She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
