I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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