They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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