just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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