I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
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