He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
