dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
