it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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