The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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