I'm sorry my penis didn't work
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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